Liberation over Imitations

I went on a walk the other night. 

I was feeling a swell of energy that I was tryna drown out with Netflix, sports news and late night eating.  I was really making an evening of it too. 

Thankfully though, my Spirit was restless and wouldn't let that slide. 

So I took a walk.

At 11 pm. 

Not as a means of escape but as means of confrontation. 

I don't know why but walking does that for me. 

With each step I take I start to work things out in my mind....I also talk to myself...out loud...which I understand would make me look like a crazy person but there are very few people out around then so I'm not self conscious about it.  I don't care anyway.

Back to this walk though.

So as I'm walking I start dissecting this swell of energy (or trying my best to).  It's excitement and anxiousness.  At this point in my life I'm finally living my truth as a full time artist and I'm a couple weeks out from making a move back to my hometown.  I'm juiced and, honestly, liberated.

I also realized this.  In the past when I encountered moments like this it felt as if a wall would rise and block me from my truest expression.  I'd hit this wall and not have enough resolve to bust through it.  Instead my ultimate reaction would be to recede into my destructive habits: doubt, self-deprication, self-abuse, and most of all fear.

Fear of knowing my self, of making myself seen to the world, of pushing limits, fear of being loved and supported, of rejection and not being accepted, of not achieving perfection.

I came to an eye opening revelation. 

Fear is the imitation of those things we want most. 

Love, acceptance, confidence, trust. 

Fear doesn't hide what it is but it serves as a (seemingly) more accessible alternative to healing, discipline, confrontation and that most gorgeous of things, pain...those things that bring about the real, genuine elements of life. 

Fear hangs that lure and we bite...out of sheer desperation to have something to indulge in and fall into...but there is nothing left to fear.  Fear possesses only power that is abandoned or relinquished. 

I saw this image, an analogy or sorts, pop into my mind. As I walked the ground started to shake out of nowhere.

Then gravity somehow stopped working.

(Trippy right...my mind smh)

Fear is that shaking ground, its jarring, unexpected, uncontrollable.  Being suspended in mid air is also fear...

until you would just get to a point where you process and feel it,

become one with whatever is happening. 

It then becomes liberation.

Here's what I got from that strange, imaginative mid walk detachment from reality:

Fear only comes from you being used to or comfortable with something (i.e the ground being still,)

and if you ignore the truth (i.e that you are still standing and withstanding). 

It only comes from you always having an illusion of stability/control (i.e. your feet on the ground)

and if you ignore that stabilty is, in its purest form, just flexiblity (i.e you would essentially be flying! Embrace that shit!)

I'm writing all of this down in the moment, so it could sound very much like rambling lol, but I guess what I'm realizing and feel compelled to share is that the liberation is in the letting go of any and all preconceived notions, no matter how conventional they've become or how normal they may seem.